I have lived through it all. I have survived agonizing rides on the school bus, countless trips to the principal’s office, and continuous attacks on my ego. I’ve been a victim of many forms of bullying, from grade one to grade eight.
This was a very difficult time for me, as I was young and needed other’s attention and acceptance. Unfortunately, this would never materialize as I would find it increasingly difficult to socialize with people in my school. I was different and, to make it simple, hated. I was made fun of because my interests were not considered “cool”. I was the kid that no one ever wanted to play with. Kids would rather change activities than play with me.
I always felt like I couldn’t be respected in school for just being myself. I had never done anything wrong to anyone. I just had a very strong sense of morality and always expected others to treat me with respect and good will. I had to find out the hard way that this was almost impossible. I endured not only verbal and emotional bullying but physical harassment too. There was a group of older kids that were physically aggressive during recesses. Sometimes I was jumped on; other times I got into fist fights. I always lost, of course. The most frustrating part was that no one cared. Even the school authorities did nothing to alleviate my suffering. I remember pleading with my teachers and the principal to take action and punish those who were hurting me, but they never did enough. I felt as if they had no sympathy for my suffering. It even seemed as if they sympathised with my aggressors.
I only had one or two friends in elementary school and they too were disliked by the majority, but luckily for them, not as much as I was. I struggled in the classroom. I felt out of place. I felt useless. To sum it up, I felt like crap.
However, I am here to tell you that as unbearable and permanent the situation felt, I was still able to escape it. I underwent a massive transformation that changed my life forever, and by the time I made it to high school, the bullying had stopped and I felt great.
You might think that the transition to high school was what stopped the bullying. There is no denying that the new school was much more accepting than the old one, but the fact is that the end of bullying was mostly due to an internal change, as opposed to an external one. In a way, I conformed to some socially acceptable practices which I had always bitterly resisted. Why should I change when the bullies are the ones doing wrong? Why can’t I be accepted for being myself? Will I lose if I conform? But this isn’t the whole story. It took me some time but I finally figured it out. Bullying is like a bad rash. If you keep scratching it will get worse, but if you leave it alone and provide it with the necessary treatment, it heals on its own. Once your body has developed immunity you’ll become completely unaffected by bullying.
I know that we all come from different backgrounds and that I cannot possibly understand what some of you might be dealing with, but I hope I can inspire you to think a little bit differently and, hopefully, improve your standard of living. Before I go into greater detail about what caused this change, I’ll describe how I would deal with bullying as a child.
Think of the insults as the inducers of a rash. Whenever I was insulted I felt a strong disturbance deep inside my ego. My first instinct was to take action and deal with those who insulted me. Initially, this meant getting help from teachers, but as I grew older and became more frustrated and increasingly less trusting of authorities, it turned into physical aggression. It wasn’t uncommon for me to lash out at those who had hurt my feelings. Naturally, I always got into trouble. What did lashing out accomplish? Absolutely nothing; I would feel worse than before and people would hate me even more.
I was scratching at the rash. This temporary satisfaction would ultimately result in a bigger slump. I never acknowledged this fact because in my mind, I felt justified. I am only defending myself! I used to tell myself. But what if there is no need for defending? It was only when I stopped reacting and let the rash heal, that I ever made any progress. For those of you out there using this disturbance-reaction method for dealing with bullying, try taking a step back and relaxing. The source of your suffering might be closer to yourself than you think.
Now I know that the reason why I was finding it so hard to deal with bullying, was because I believed what the bullies were telling me and I started to feel worthless, sub tier, and awkward. I even tried changing my behaviour – conforming to the other kids -and doing whatever they did. In a way, this change worked. I was bullied less, but I entered a world where I constantly needed to satisfy my thirst for acceptance and acknowledgment.
I had finally figured it out. This was how kids worked. In some schools, it might be more noticeable than others, but it’s always there. I am willing to bet that grownups think like this too. There is a standard that people attempt to meet. People want to fit in, be popular, and be accepted. They want rich social lives. Those who are different are made fun of. People will defend their social position and reinforce their ego by picking on those who are different than the norm. In your brain, there is an imaginary ladder that you and everyone else are climbing. People are constantly ranked and put on the ladder. Some people live through their whole lives trying to climb this ladder. But the real escape from bullying and suffering comes when you consciously decide that you are not climbing the ladder. How could you? It doesn’t exist!
I can’t remember exactly how it happened but one day, I decided not to react to insults in any way. I wouldn’t say anything, and wouldn’t even appear to be upset. At the beginning, it was difficult. Sometimes I slipped up and lashed out, but the teachers actually noticed my efforts and showed some sympathy because of it. For me, this was the beginning of the end of bullying. I never looked back. Although there remained a group of people who despised me, the hate base had fallen and the insults as well, and whenever these people tried to insult me, I just laughed at their criticism and insults.
By making it a custom to not react to bullying, you will eventually become completely unaffected by what others say about you! Your body becomes immune to whatever causes the rash. Did they call you weak? Why is that important! Did they make fun of your weight? Who cares what they think! You are not climbing a ladder. Using fitness or intelligence as examples, those who are superior in those aspects are NOT BETTER than you as human beings. Stop thinking that they are. When you adopt this method of thinking, you cannot possibly ever be affected by what others say about you, and you’ll be far less likely to become the target of any type of bullying.
Cyber bullying has become a problem in today’s society. Embarrassing pictures are being shared on the internet and many people are even ending their own lives because of this. The problem is that people feel awful because they become extremely identified with their bodies. But what if you don`t identify with your body? Would you even have taken that photo in the first place? When you don’t feel the need to be validated, you don’t engage in validation seeking behavior, and become far less affected when people don’t think what you expect them to think about you. I have found that bullying is not an isolated problem that only “bullies” and “victims” are involved in. The truth is that the reasons for bullying are so entwined in today’s society that everyone thinks in a way that would make them susceptible to either be bullied or be a bully; sometimes both. You might find it impossible to relate to what I am saying. This is because you have already become so obsessed with your appearance over your life span. Do not worry though; you can change that right now. Once you become aware of the problem, it’s just a matter of practice until you gradually reduce your identification with the ladder.
What I can tell you with the most absolute confidence is that I will never be bullied again. Is it really bullying if you are unaffected? You cannot change others but you can always change yourself. Things change with physical bullying however. If your situation is so deep that you are at risk of real physical injury, you should first consider switching schools or removing yourself from the potential danger. Once in the new environment, try to take my advice to reduce the chances of bullying reoccurring.
Everyone is in a different situation and requires different treatment for the rash of bullying. If you are currently feeling like a worthless piece of trash and feel like life is not worth living, please seriously consider what I said about the ladder; know for a fact that these are only thoughts and have no real significance. Know that you are believing in a fake ladder; a fake standard of how you should be. Wouldn’t it be great if you never had to worry about being bullied? Removing your identification with the ladder will help you in achieving this and will improve every other aspect of your life as well. I would also recommend reading some spiritual books as well as taking up meditation.
Now that you have heard about my journey you might be asking who I am now? Am I popular? Am I liked by everyone? Quite frankly: no, I am not. I still have a very small group of real friends and many people have mixed feelings about me, but there is no bullying. There is no suffering and no worrying. I am never insulted and rarely feel criticized on a personal level. I have never been more confident. It is a fact that many will be very quick to judge you. It’s natural. Sometimes, I do it too. However, I don’t let my assumptions about other people turn into any sort of hate or resentment, even if they dislike me. Those who dislike me probably don’t even know why because they are struggling with the ladder themselves, and blindly reacting to disturbances of their ego.
Please take to heart what I have said and try to apply it. Know that there is an end to bullying and you can end it on your own! Stop scratching the rash. Become immune. Become immortal.